Log in

No account? Create an account
I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [May. 9th, 2004|02:43 pm]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |EastEnders]

  • Nobody
  • Fake
  • Loser
  • Hollow
  • Empty
  • Frozen
  • Heartless
  • Careless
  • Numb
  • Pathetic
  • Confused
  • Hurt
  • Alone
  • Disgrace
  • Useless
  • Broken
  • Weird
  • Strange
  • Waiting
  • Freak
  • Dead
  • Scared
  • Whore
  • Slag
  • Slut
  • Bitch
  •  etc
linkpost comment

*Watch our here i come!* [Apr. 14th, 2004|07:42 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |tv, in Lee's room (hehe)]

Happy, so very very happy!
linkpost comment

*I dont wanna dance* [Apr. 10th, 2004|11:21 am]
[mood |gloomygloomy]
[music |Aerosmith - I dont wanna miss a thing]

My feelings aren't real.
This anger that's inside of me,
It's not really there.
I'm just empty.
i dont know what real emotion is.
I'm too young to know anything,
I just think i do.
I'm a teenager,
So i assume i have these feelings in me.
But I just make s fuss over nothing.
They're never feel.
I just want it so much,
So i make up a feeling.
I make up a situation.
I'm a teenager,
My job is to be down,
to be unhappy with myself.
But this again can't be real,
Since i make up my own feelings.
I'm too young to be unhappy,
I'm too young to think about my appearance!
linkpost comment

*baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose* [Apr. 8th, 2004|10:38 pm]
[mood |creativecreative]
[music |Birth programme]

My eyes would not close.
They stayed fixed,
On the space above me.
My mind wouldnt switch off.
Instead i was focused,
Thinking of the day that's past.
My body would not rest.
I could still sense you,
With your arms around me.

My eyes finally lock,
But your still with me.
My dreams only consist of you,
I can't imagine any other.
My dreams never last long.
I wake feeling so blue,
I always wake without you!
linkpost comment

*Solid as a rock* [Mar. 27th, 2004|03:58 pm]
[mood |thirstythirsty]
[music |Adventures of Robin hood]



>1. Am I hot?: yes

>2. Am I sweet?: yes

>3. Am I crazy?: yes

>4. Am I lovable?: yes

>5. Am I funny?: yes

>6. Am I annoying?: no

>7. Am I psycho?: yes

>8. Am I daring?: yes

>9. Am I a good person?: indeed


>*******......WOULD YOU......********

>10. Hug me?: of course

>11. Miss me if I was gone/leaving?: yes

>12. Listen to my problems?: yes

>13. Hug me if I cried?: yes

>14. Be a good friend?: yes


>****...WOULD YOU... ****

>15. Ever go out with me?:yes

>17. Kiss me?: yes

>18. Marry me if u could?: dunno

>19. Ever talk bad about me if we ever bokre up? no...unless you cheated on me or something


>******....HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME....??****** 20. When's my

>birthday?: 18th august

>21. How old am I?: 9247

>22. How do u spell my first & last name?: jack white.... i mean.... mill ard.

>23. Do I have any siblings ~> names??: david

>24. Who is my most current ex?: addam

>25. Who is my best friend?: nicole?

>26. Who am I crushing on/dating?: addam?

>27. Favorite color?: cosmic blue

>28. Lucky number?: -958-67689765850-984096

>29. What is my worst subject?: german?

>30. Best subject?: drama?

>31. Favorite animal?: sewer rat

>32. Favorite sport?: beach volley ball

>33. Favorite TV show?: buffy

>34. Favorite song/songs?: dead or alive - you spin me round

>35. Favorite music group?: finch? foo?


>*******....Who Am I....****** 35. What TV star do I most remind u

>of?: Jack white

>36. What song would u dedicate to me?: tenacious d - friendship

>37. What famous person do I most resemble?: i wont answer that


>******....If You Could....****** 38. Give me a new name it would be?

>why?: MILLARD!!!!

>39. Hook me up with someone (real) who would it be? why?: addam, because i know you miss him

>40. Do one thing with me it would be? why?: eat lots of pork pie and drink vodka and pepsi

>41. Drop me one piece of advice it would be?: if in doubt, go for the balls


>******....Just A Few Questions....****** 42. What do u love about

>me?: your ace, a laugh, pretty, fun, a good, caring person

>43. What do u hate about me (seriously)?: nothing, erm.... you try grabbing my tits...? naah

>44. What is my best quality?: good friend

>45. IF u could change one thing about me it would be?: humm

>46. What is your opinion about me?: you own over all jack white look a likes. nah thats not true.... you should know what I truely think about you... i told you a few weeks back.

All this means nothing anymore. Everythng that was written aparently doesnt matter any more!
link10 comments|post comment

*Happy Days* [Mar. 26th, 2004|11:09 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Adverts]

Spent tonight with just Lee. We talked, a bit and i smiled....alot! I just love been with him, he makes me feel so happy.
The more time we spent to gether (tonight) i realised something. He reminds me of Addam, the certain things he does. they have a certain kind of Addam style to them. Like how he teases me, by cracking his knuckles. Addam used to love doing that to me, now Lee does it.
Dont really want to mention the other thing on here, It's a little more personal. But Addam also did it. I said he reminded me of something. But i wouldnt tell him. Dont think He'd have been too excited about it.
It has been so cold tonight, but i didnt mind. i didnt even mind that we didnt have that much to talk about either. I was just so happy being with him, in his arms

linkpost comment

*I wont cry for yesterday* [Mar. 20th, 2004|04:10 pm]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |Roxy Music - Avalon]

I HURT: everyone
I LOVE: all my friends and family
I HATE: people who love their selves
I FEAR: i guess Love and relationships
I HOPE: I can fall in Love and not run scared
I FEEL: sad, since i fuck everything up
I HIDE: from things i fear and dont understand
I DRIVE: myself insane
I MISS: Addam at the moment
I LEARNED: the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. (Buffy quote but it's true)
I NEED: confidence and comfort
I KNOW: I'm no good for any one
I DON'T KNOW: qhy i do the things i do

1-What do you most like about your body?: hair, since people think i love my hair...why the hell not
2-And least?:everything else
3-How many fillings do you have?: too many to count
4-Do you think you're good looking?: fuck no!!
5-Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: any one who does needs their heads checking
6-Do you look like any celebrities?: I've been told i look like Jack White and Kelly Osbourne

x. father thinks I am: a slut
x. mother thinks I am: same
x. my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: a person who seeks help
x. three things you are often complimented for: hair, humour, make-up
x. you get embarrassed when: i mess things up, say the wrong thing, fall over or something like that
x. makes you happy: having a laugh with friends, having a laugh with family, being in the arms of Lee (when i'm not too afraid to go out)
x. upsets you: not being able to see people, my thoughts...the fact i'm always negative

yes or no...
x. you keep a diary: yes
x. you like to cook: no
x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone: yes
x. you're in love: Love is too over rated! I can honestly say i dont want to be in love again at the moment.
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead: no
x. you bite your fingernails: yes i have just started again
x. you believe in love: i guess i still do, but i dont believe it's a good thing anymore

Who is...?
the prettiest male you know: dont go for looks
The weirdest person you know: couldnt really say
the Sexiest Person you Know: look above
Your close friends: I feel close to them all, except one now
your Crush?: Lee
Most Boring Teacher: most.
the last image/thought you go to sleep with: how fucked up i am
your best feature: wish i had one
(most recent) Inside joke: ----
natural hair color: blonde
current hair color: black/purple/blonde
eye color: blue
birthplace: Leeds

PARENTS: Sharon and Phillip
LIVE WITH: all three above names, plus Dawn practically lives here
FAVORITE RELATIVE: i love them all

COLOR: blue
DAY: all shit!
MONTH: August
SONG: at the moment it's Powder - Up HERE
FOOD: Patsa
SEASON: Spring
SPORT: Rugby League
DRINK: Whatever will get me drunk quick
VEGGIE: no thanks

Would You Ever..
Eat a bug? cant say i would
Bungee jump? no way
Hang glide? nope
Kill someone? yes
Have sex with someone you dont love? not sure
Kiss someone of the same sex? yeah
Have sex with someone of the same sex? probably not
Parachute from a plane? no
Walk on hot coals? i wouldnt do anything that involves pain
Go out with someone for their looks? no
For their reputation? no
Be a vegetarian? cant say i would
Wear plaid with stripes? yeah
Sing karaoke? yes, just not very well
Get drunk off your ass? oh yes!! when ever possible
Shoplift?used to, not any more
Run a red light? why not
Star in a porn video? nope, even if i did, it would be classed as a horror
Dye your hair blue? yes
Be on Survivor? nope
Wear makeup in public? always do
NOT wear makeup? nope
Make someone cry? probably already done that without meaning to
Call your math teacher an idiot? yes
Kick a baby? NO!
Date someone more than ten years older than you? yeah
Cuss out a priest? huh
Get a job as a janitor? if i had nothing else to do
Wear a tho-tho-tho-tho-thong? yeah, only underwear i like to wear
Stay up all through the night? yeah, it can be fun,
Drink straight espresso? no

CRIED? i am now
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes, two cards
GOTTEN SICK? i want to make myself sick, but no
GONE TO THE MOVIES?nope, i have wathed a movie tho
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? i wish
MISSED SOMEONE? all the time
HUGGED SOMEONE? cant remember the last person i hugged actually....how sad is that
linkpost comment

*Why do I love you ?* [Mar. 19th, 2004|09:25 pm]
[mood |curiouscurious]
[music |Rugby League.... Leeds v Wigan]

Hmmm.....well I've just stubbed my toe, and it really hurt. In all that pain I started to think about Addam. He hated stubbing his toe, yet he seemed to do it all the time...hehe..bless him. i miss little things like that. Like how he used to be scared of Butterflies, so i used to find some...lol. they were the good times.
I'm not saying I'm not having good times now. I am, just I miss Addam, he was my first love and I'm never going to forget him. Not like he's forgotten me.
It's so annouying how every little thing reminds me of him. Everywhere i go i see something and it makes me think of him. I guess the real reason i like Moulin Rouge so much b'cos it reminds me of him. Le Tango De Roxanne reminds me of him and that is the reason it's my fave song :)
I am happy now though. Lee does make me feel happy and he does make me smile. He makes me smile when I'm talking to him online (even if our conversations can be quite pointless), he makes me smile even more when i'm with him and I'm in his arms.
I'm not going to run scared this time. Just b'cos he's not Addam. I'm happy this time, i dont care if he's not like Addam, i have to learn to forget about him. I cant not go out with boys b'cos they dont have the same qualitys as him. If i keep doing that I'd end up with no one.....well there is Addam, but he wouldnt take me back...not now.
But I dont want him to take me back now, I'm happy with Lee. I just miss him as a friend, some one to talk to. I miss the unusual conversations that we used to have.
I'm pathetic, i havent even seen Addam in like 2 months. No one has even mentioned his name....so what made me think of him. He was out of my mind for a while, now he's back.
Oh well, I'm just pathetic that way. I'm never happy with a good thing, i always have to find summat to spoil it. Now bringing him back in my mind has, in a sence.
I'm a big gay fag, who needs to leave things in the past, where they belong!!
linkpost comment

*young at heart* [Mar. 18th, 2004|04:38 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Foo Fighters - All My Life]

Just been reading a certain person's old journal, and now i feel down. I miss them, as a friend that is. He was a good friend, i miss those talks we used to have. just going to put bits of his journal on, bits that made me upset and down.

Woooooo Becky came online, shame im so depressed like her...wish I could make her happy.
hmmmmm.....was going to say loads but I just lost the care for doing it so I wont.
Borrowing my friends car on Friday....going to drive away from here, dont know where but I am going to, though ill be back to see Becky.

[ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: Im nearly there

[ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfect....the list goes on

.237. ] who can you stay around foreverkand never get sick of: Becky

[ .241. ] shyest: Becky probably
[ .242. ] best hair: Becky (ginger wow beautiful)
[ .243. ] can always make you laugh: Loz, Oddball and becky

[ .248. ] hot tempered: Becky can be sometimes, well to me anyways or is that just demending???

I had such a nice day today with Becky, wait was it yesturday now?!, no idea well saturday then, just wondered around and spent time in sahara with her, it was so nice just sitting with her in my arms even though I was in pain because she was laying on my ribs I have broke but i didnt want her to move so I didnt say anything :)
Meeting her again tomorrow, no today now, yes, dont know what we are going to be doing but it realy doesnt matter.
How dare you just walk away from me Becky when you went home!!! how rude!!! :(
But anyways im sorry and ill make it up to you when I see you.

Anyways im going back to talking to Becky

1. If you wish
2. I win (usualy to Becky)
3. ---- off im busy (when somone fones me, I loath fones)

Every now and again we are all given a perfect moment, a moment where everything makes sence, a moment where everything seems right and good, a moment where everything feels like its going to be all ok. If you can be kissing or holding in your arms a gal like Becky in one of them moments then you realy have it made.

Went to the flixs with her today, wow I loved just being with her, the film was crap realy but since it was her I went with everything was all good. Cant wait to see her again, I asked her to come meet me tomorrow, I hope she does.
She says she is scared to have a relationship with me, I hope she decides to give it a go. I would try to make her as happy as possible, I wonder if she knows just how much I do and have liked her...hmmmm...not sure...well if she doesnt know and wants to she will ask me I would think.
I have been looking for somone who I could try and give the world to, somone to be happy with and for them to be happy with me, I wonder if we did get together if she could be the one for all that. She is so nice and wonderful to be with and she makes me smile which is rare for a gal to be able to do to me. Well I always smile but I dont have to fake my smile with her unlike nearly everyone else.

Hmmmmm well enough of me constantly talking about her, grrrrr, cant get her off my mind

I cant wait until Saturday, taking my somone special to the cinema but I dont know what to see, I dont care realy im just happy to be going with her. 3 days until I get to spend time with her again, it seems way too far away

hmmm Becky seemed to get in a bad mood tonight...not sure if it was my fault or not, I dont actualy ever know because she never tells me anything like that...she wont ever open up to me so I have to sit and guess at whats wrong or if im to blame but I cant ever figure it out. hhmmm thats one of the reason that me and my ex split up...that and one or two other reasons.

I know after reading Becky's journal that she does care for me alot, she says she loves me and I do believe her but some part of me thinks something else...is alot of affection the only way I can tell that I am loved???? I have no idea...its all so messed up inside of me.

Well I'm almost in tears. I miss him. I know i should be happy when i look back on what we had. But we didnt have it for that long, since i ------ everything up
God i miss him soooooooooooooooooooooo much
I want him, i need him, i miss him. i loved him, :'(
why did we have to break up, well we had to yeah. but why dint we stay in touch. I lost a good friend. I just want to be friends with him again
linkpost comment

*Funk you, now your the parasite* [Mar. 16th, 2004|04:20 pm]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |Powder - Up Here]

God one fucking mistake and it seems like my life has been turned totally upside down.
I'm only human I make mistakes, i make the wrong choices. But rather than forgive and forget certain people choose to be wankers about it. Go out of their way to make you feel even though. when i thought it wasnt possible. Why be a prick about it, just deal with it. that's what i've been trying to do. Making my life even worse wont bloody hell. It may make you feel better for a while, but in the long run it wont!
You know what, if i'd have known what this person was like, i wouldnt have been friends with them
i did one mistake, with i did regret and i felt so guilty...i just wanted to die. I may have said at times that i did or i dint regret it, but that was only b'cos i was so confused.
I've tried so hard to act normal, I've tried so hard to stay strong. But it's just not working any more.
Yes i did wrong.
Yes I ws totally my fault
Yes I am sorry for it
I dont know how many times i have to say sorry. i never meant to hurt any one. Least of all you.
But since we're not talking, none of this really matters. All we had in the past is gone and forgetten. As far as we both care, neither of us exist.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]